With NASCAR wrapping up its season over the weekend, I figured it would be an ideal time to cart out this piece I wrote a couple years ago. Hope you like it.
25 Reasons Why Horse Racing Is Better Than NASCAR
By: Joe Nevills
(In no specific order)
1. People in foreign countries recognize the Call To Post. “Gentlemen, start your engines” requires a translator.
2. Some horses are known for running well in rainy conditions. NASCAR goes on delay at the slightest hint of a sprinkle.
3. Horse racing fans do not cheer when there is a wreck on the track.
4. Seabiscuit was a much better film than any NASCAR movie ever made.
5. On that note, name one good NASCAR book. The first person to mention the NASCAR romance novels gets kicked in the head.
6. The most beautiful horse tracks resemble nature preserves. The most beautiful stock car tracks still look like parking lots.
7. The number on the horses actually serve a purpose.
8. Only a narcoleptic could fall asleep in the time it takes to run a horse race. NASCAR is rivaled only by golf in its potential for a nice weekend afternoon nap.
9. Horse racing is full of fun and interesting names. All NASCAR has is Dick Trickle.
10. One would look pretty stupid if he or she tried to pet a car.
11. No restrictor plates. Fast horses are actually encouraged to run fast. Imagine that.
12. The horses, jockeys and tracks are not nearly as smeared with advertising.
13. How much did you make the last time you picked the Daytona 500 winner?
14. An 85-year-old having a stroke can push a pedal to the floor. That same person would probably fall off a horse.
15. If you get a sunburn at the horse track, it’s probably your own damn fault.
16. In horse racing, everyone is on the same lap.
17. The exhaust a car puts out is pollution. The exhaust a horse puts out is fertilizer.
18. Nobody gives Tony Stewart a better chance of winning just because he took a dump before a race. (I’m through with the poop jokes, I swear.)
19. Diversity: Name three NASCAR drivers, pit crew members or owners who are not white males. Now name three jockeys that are.
20. Jockeys don’t sit down during races.
21. Horsemen try to keep inbreeding outside of the most recent generations.
22. In horse racing, the major races are named after legendary people and horses. In NASCAR, they name major races after soft drinks.
23. Horsemen actually earn the right to wear cowboy hats. I’m looking at you, Richard Petty.
24. When a NASCAR driver gets in a wreck, he’s done for the day. when a jockey gets in a wreck, he’s done for ten minutes.
25. Track pretzels. Checkmate.